Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in nokia3230's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, November 27th, 2007
12:11 am	I sought the Lord.. After posting an entry in a private blog in tears and distress. I prayed for God to speak to me in regard to my love relationship specifically, I continued to read my daily bible from where I had stopped on the 23rd Nov. What I read echoed what I had been feeling and thinking about my current state. It is not really the relationship per se, but being in the relationship dug up many of my imperfections which God had led me to deal with over the year. The journey had not been particularly easy, but I am thankful for the lessons learnt. This period of time is particularly tough. With more heart investment, comes more tears and heartaches. This was what I had read from 1 Peter 1:13-2:10 (23rd Nov's reading passage from the NT) Be Holy 13 Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. 14 As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. 15 But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; 16 for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."[a] 17 Since you call on a Father who judges each man's work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear. 18 For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, 19 but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. 20 He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake. 21 Through him you believe in God, who raised him from the dead and glorified him, and so your faith and hope are in God. 22 Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.[b]23 For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. 24 For, "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, 25 but the word of the Lord stands forever."[c] And this is the word that was preached to you. God didn't really tell me how to handle my relationship per se. But there are some useful pointers that really testified that God is alive, and He speaks! 1)Prepare my mind for action; be self-controlled; set my hope fully on the grace to be given me when Jesus Christ is revealed. 2)As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance, BUT just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do. 3)Through him, I believe in God, and so my faith and hope are in God. 4)Now that (when I had) purified myself by obeying the truth so that I have sincere love for my brothers (and sisters), love one another deeply, from the heart. 5)4 As you come to him, the living Stone—rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him— 5 you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1) What I perceived is this; that I should prepare my mind for action to be self-controlled, I was thinking He would be talking about sexual intimacy only after a lifelong relationship is committed. Then the following verse says this: As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance, BUT just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do. 2) There is this entry on Oct 8th 2006 where I wrote about the revelation I had and I am ashamed to say that I had not followed what I had written. I am not sleeping around. I am sleeping with my partner in a monogamous dating relationship. It is just that I am still trying to work out some issues that is hindering my decision. And I understand why I have to do that. Because intimacy causes counterfeit oneness.. how am I able to make a decision if I am relishing the comfort of being intimate especially after an argument? 3) Then I am asked to set my hope on the grace given me. Nuff said. SET MY HOPE ON THE GRACE. 4) My faith and my hope is in God because of Jesus. Nuff said. 5)Now that (when I had) purified myself by obeying the truth so that I have sincere love for my brothers (and sisters), love one another deeply, from the heart. I figured that after I have a clarity of mind, it helps me to love deeply with a sincere love more effectively. Because I know that being in this relationship takes a lot of my heart away, just that what I can give is little compared to what I can give if I were single. I think properly being single without worrying that my date would go back to her ex-gf helps me to find myself again. Helps me to be secure in Him alone. I think about the reasons why we quarrel, why I get upset, why I hurt. Though it is human to be upset and hurt if the same thing were to happen to anyone, we are supposed to be a new creation! We are supposed to be set apart, different! And finally, an encouragement regarding how people see me at work. 4As you come to him, the living Stone—rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him— 5you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. As a PE trained, I only have 1 teaching subject. It is our entitlement. The other teachers are not very happy because they have to teach English, Math and Science and the workload is really heavy for them. I guess they will be happier if I were a diploma holder, but being paid more than colleagues of my age with the same number of years of working experience, some are not really happy, and I am disturbed, sometimes guilty that they are doing so much more though I do offer my help sometimes. But as usual, God is good. So yep. There it is! But I am not sure where to head after these revelations. Will continue to seek Him on this matter in the meantime. Got to talk to the person involved and see what she thinks. Sigh. (Comment on this)
Monday, April 16th, 2007
3:51 pm	PostMS Melancholic Song Lovely song. Achingly beautiful. Made to Love You-Gerald Levert I recall when we first met a long time ago How could I forget the way I felt when I first laid eyes on you I remember sayin to my friends There in my future wife and then I took the stand to meet someone who'd change my life It had to be my destiny Cause I was made to love you My hands to touch you My arms to hold you My legs to stand My time to spend The new forever I was made, made to love you My lips to kiss you My eyes to see you My legs to stand My time to spend with u forever A life together I was made, made to love you Made to love you I remember our first date Our first arguments Our very first breakup and makeup That got us to this moment And every girlfriend And every one nite stand Every heartbreak and every heartache Led me to you It drew me to you It made me better Better soon and for you It had to be my destiny With a sweet video to add with a M18 rating. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVsdGJHVxM4 (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 1st, 2007
5:35 pm	My Journey thus far.. I guess the first time in a same-sex relationship was a new treading ground; dealing with the recognition of my own sexual orientation, as well as loving someone in a romantic way for the first time. The fact where I was also her first adds to the purity of it all; living out the ideals of love I had always imagined, we had always imagined, living out how it is to give with all of my heart, love with all of my heart.. It is the time where I finally feel that I am actually capable of loving another person and not just live in the principles of relationships that I had picked up through many many christian and non-christian materials about relationships. I experienced the comforting assurance of someone loving me back the same way, with equal purity and passion. Nothing seemed lacking as long as she was with me. I did not need anyone or anything more than her. I learnt the dos and don’ts of being in a relationship, of living with someone I love as a partner. I learnt to give, I learnt to take; I learnt to give in to my partner and give up my rights. We learnt what lesbians do from each other, led by the strong feelings we had and sometimes from the faint reminders of stories shared, not from books, neither from experience. That lasted 6 years. And the second… I had decided to settle down with someone safe and stable, someone who gives me a sense of security, whom I might possibly have a future with without being ostracized by anyone because it was a heterosexual relationship. He is a promising partner in the things that I thought had mattered in a lifelong relationship. Moreover, it’s too difficult to love someone that much and have it not last. However, I realize that that was not really what I want in a lifetime relationship and in a lifetime partner. As important as security and stability is in a partner, if there isn’t much chemistry and passion, the relationship is as good as dead. My heart was hardly stirred and alive even in the initial stages of our relationship. I did not just want to settle for just a good quality lifetime companion. Some people could settle for that stability and security. I can't. I wanted more. That lasted 2 years. And when I thought I can never love that same way again- the way I loved with the first, I fell in love. This time, hard. It felt like I had fallen in love for the first time. The extreme emotions and feelings I had felt, the aliveness of my spirit, the crippling effect of her being on my mind every other minute. The inability to work properly thinking about when she will next call, thinking about the conversation that had just ended... I learnt the importance of chemistry in a relationship. I learnt the importance of being able to communicate with the person I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I learnt what is really important to me in a partner, in a relationship. I learnt more about myself, who I am, how much I could love, how much I could give, I learnt how jealous I could get, how possessive I could get. I also gained a brand new perspective of passion in a relationship; I learnt what passion felt like, how it could mess up one’s heart, how someone can want another that much, how someone can desire another that much. I also learnt what the real lesbian relationship is all about; that it is not a fairy tale, where 2 persons find each other and live with each other happily for the rest of their lives. I learnt what it meant to be a good wife, and what I learnt hit me hard because she had meant so much to me, and that I could not be enough for her. I have also learnt to be only with someone who's completely single and available. I learnt that love is so blind that I had to defend her in front of the few friends who knew about our situation. I learnt how love is able to enable one to forgive and forget, not just once, but over and over again. I learnt that spiritual intimacy is the deepest form of closeness between 2 persons. Most of all, I learnt how to accept myself as a woman who could love another woman without compromising my relationship with God. Then I did something silly to ruin a potentially awesome friendship because of the vulnerability of my heart, the overwhelming attention I received, and the lack of my self-control. I got physically involved with another without being ready to be emotionally involved with her. The result was a rather strained friendship. Though things have improved since, our friendship is not the same as before. After all that I had experienced, I have learnt that it is unwise to be physically involved until I am emotionally ready. I have learnt to not let my heart move ahead of time; to just slow down until I know I am ready to give my heart again, until I know I am ready to love another in the same capacity with the same passion, perhaps even in exceeding amounts, for with God, everything is possible. Hopefully, now armed with a little more wisdom, a little more maturity, a little more carefulness with my heart, possessing a little more self-control, and surer about what I want in a relationship and in my lifetime partner, I could meet and find that special someone I would spend my life with, if I had not already met that someone. I hope it doesn’t take any more than one more to make it a final one. What other lessons do I need to learn, Lord? Teach me. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 28th, 2007
7:42 pm	Letting go.. is a painful process yet a necessary decision. (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 18th, 2007
9:07 pm	The greater capacity to love, the greater capacity to hurt. (Comment on this)
Friday, February 9th, 2007
5:42 pm	Irrational Insecurity Vs Rational Insecurity A friend explained something wise which makes much sense. There are two types of insecurites. Irrational Insecurity and Rational Insecurity. When there is no reason to be insecure in a relationship, and one partner is insecure, that is irrational insecurity. When there is a reason to be insecure in a relationship, that is rational insecurity. She said that a relationship where one party feels rationally insecure cannot be sustained. It will not be enhancing for both parties. It's an enlightenment to me. But I still feel depressed. I understand now why sometimes our prayers are not answered immediately, or why when we are supposed to be victorious and we seem not to be. I also learnt a new way of praying to God. You see, God was with Moses all these while. His faithfulness clearly shows from the time He met Moses to the time He led the Israelites out of Egypt. Why doesn't God make it easy for Moses and just help him all the way so that the movement is easy and smooth, that the Pharaoh would just release the Israelites without any miracles from God shown through Moses, that the Israelites wouldn't keep doubting Moses' plan to move them out of Egypt? Whenever the people kept going to Moses to complain about this and that, no food, no water etc, Moses immediately turned to God and asked Him why that was so and why He would not provide. And then God would answer his prayers and provide exceedingly. I think when God lays it out too easy for us, and when we don't have to turn to Him, we tend to forget Him, so he helps to build our faith and our dependance on Him by causing us to turn to him frequently especially so if we tend to be the kind who will take Him for granted and not take time to seek Him when things are well on our side? He wants us to be a refined diamond. He is the author and perfector of our faith. Actually, God can easily show His glory whenever He wants, He doesn't need us to be around. He doesn't need to use us as a vessel to be a living testimony to others. What He wants is for us to be more and more like Jesus. He wants to mould our characters. He wants us to be refined diamonds. We are victorious not just by the results that we see, but by the way we handle our disappointments too! Our victorious lives in Christ! That's what it means. But I have been in pain for such a long while despite going to Him time and again. Am I such a difficult graphite? This is so difficult! I am just very disappointed.. Words seem quite meaningless now. I am just a sucker. I should know better.. sigh sigh sigh.. life is freaking sian! I probably should pray to God the same way Moses did huh. Sigh. (Comment on this)
9:53 am	Still hurts..badly.. Why.... I don't understand. :( Is it so painful to love? I am crying out for help.. Who can I cry out to? Who can help me? (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 7th, 2006
1:30 am	dec 6's entry I am so thankful that in times of wavering faith, when things are so unstable and I feel like I am swaying from the right to left, not knowing when I will fall, that I look at Jesus and see Him sitting on the right hand of God, unwavering, stable, unchanging, secure.. When I shared about what the speaker spoke during the Choose to Date Seminar about 2 persons being in a relationship edifying each other, bringing each other closer to Christ, I surely didn’t mean in this way. Gosh. Without Jesus, I think I would absolutely be in depression, as if it is not bad enough now. I must learn to seek solace from Jesus alone. Even now, what I am doing is just drowning myself in praise and worship songs to stop thinking, just praying the lyrics, just being ministered by the lyrics and the music of the song in reading Christian materials, in reading the word of God, in praying, in writing yet I think it is only in worship music and writing and talking about the situation to people that I feel better. I still am not looking to Jesus. When I have heard all the music I hear, and there are no longer any new songs to worship Jesus with, will I still be able to feel ministered? When I have tire from reading all I have to read, will I still be ministered to? We can praise God because of who He is and what He has done for us despite who we are and what we do. However, being in love with Jesus, having an intimate relationship with Jesus is at a deeper level. I wish to think it was as simple as just to believe that with faith in Him and the grace given to us suffices. But I think it is more than that. Just like Wigglesworth had asked in a few of the devotions that he wrote; We have the Holy Spirit, but has the Holy Spirit had all of us, all our heart? Then again, how could the Spirit have us if we have in our hearts our own earthly carnal desires, our own ways; when we can’t surrender what we desire to Him. It is not saying that we have to give up good things to bee a Christian. It is saying that we have enough faith to give Him control of our lives, that we have enough faith to believe that He will give us good and perfect things that are far greater than what we want. It is faith to believe that. We already have faith in us, so why are so few of us living victoriously? I think it is because we think we know what’s best for us based on what we want. True, the spirit lives in us, but sometimes in our moments of weakness, we allow the devil to act and we fall. I need and I want to allow the Holy Spirit to have all of me. (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 28th, 2006
2:48 am	First Choice I don't want to be half of somebody's first choice. I want to be somebody's first choice. But I don't want to sleep with just anyone to fill the emptiness. I don't want to be with just anyone to fill the emptiness. I pray that God will help me let this go as soon as possible. (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 22nd, 2006
10:59 pm	my heart aches from reading all the soapy love expressions from one lover to another.. the love, so much of it.. could be felt behind the words.. reading them made me ache so bad that it numbed me from my heart to the end of my fingertips. I wish i have someone to say those words to me, and more, and promise me everlasting love. deep craving, deep longing, deep aching. But I will wait, because God is good, and He will give what is best for His child, me. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 8th, 2006
7:10 am	Love Just Ain't Enough Some thoughts from service today.. During worship, I was reminded that my body is a temple of God. The song wasn’t even blatantly suggesting anything to do with marriage nor purity, I think it was just a praise song and a word from that song sparked off that thought. That started a series of thoughts. Coincidentally, the verse today in which the sermon topic was derived from was continued from Colossians 3:18-19. The Sermon Topic was The Blueprint of Marriage. I was thinking during worship, that my body, a temple of God, supposedly given only to the one person whom I would be committed in a marriage relationship to… What was I thinking? What had I done? Compromising on what I used to believe in so strongly. Love just is not enough. No matter how much two persons love each other or be consenting adults in the relationship, love just ain’t enough.. My heart weeps at the thought of giving my body, and more than that; for when two persons are joint in flesh, they become one, to one relationship where I could not see the end of the road. Ha! One day at a time! That was so flesh speaking, so justifying of my thoughts to make myself happy then. I want to and give my body only to that one person whom I will live with for the rest of my life. Let the sentence that changes my marital status not just be “I want to be with you for the rest of my life” but “I will be with you for the rest of my life.” Love just ain't enough.. except that agape unconditional love that comes from Jesus, that love that comes through Jesus to us, and even so, He promises to be in a committed covenant relationship with us. (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 22nd, 2006
8:23 am	sigh Pain so deep it cuts right through the heart. Slow and torturous. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 20th, 2005
11:43 pm	somewat true The Window Shopper Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDf) Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper. You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come. Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a girl you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns. Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic woman is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs. Your exact opposite: The Stiletto Deliberate Brutal Sex Master BEWARE: Genghis Khunt CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, The Peach, The Window Shopper (1 Comment |Comment on this)